"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I
won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of
useful things like…love!"
"Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a
little in order to hold our own."
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my
life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's
You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything
more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In
gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you
want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
"The strong must protect the sweet"
"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd
step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one.
You wanna drink another woman!"
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."
"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an
electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my
parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
"Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of
them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them,
gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time
and again. And I say… This stinks!"
"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
"God bless those pagans."
"I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!"
"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t."
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15
bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except
"Mmmm, free goo."
"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time,
just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good
"Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked!
I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks
that ever sucked!"
"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay
on the globe).
"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it -
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
"Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!"
"Good drink… good meat… good God, let's eat!"
"Lord help me, I'm just not that bright."
"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."
"Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you
may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for
generations: You may outsmart someone!"
"I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented
the light bulb."
"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank,
and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer.
Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not even close."
"Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have
a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't
care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a
"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"
"Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."
"Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents
around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one
every found out about."
"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on
strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the
town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree….D'oh!" (sung
to the air of Flintstones theme song)
"Ignore the boy, Lord."
"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't
deserve it. I mean… our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my
French… but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh,
of course You did… You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why
did You spite me with this family?"
"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her
soul, she was really onto something."
"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom
of a bottle, they're on TV!"
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"America's health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden,
Great Britain, … well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky
stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
"What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"
"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." (to aliens who
abducted Simpson family)
"I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming."
"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a
man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from
you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the
same way you do."
"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat
my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."
"And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned."
"Being popular is the most important thing in the world!"
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and
studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that
might be extracted for our personal use."
"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator
biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was
hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually
harrassing that woman."