JOkes of the Day

I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


Bank Robbery

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Two Engineering Students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

What's the Time?

Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Management Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

High Birth Rate

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Enough is Enough

One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.
"Hello?" I said.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

10 little Gigabytes

Ten little gigabytes,
waiting on line
one caught a virus,
then there were nine.

Nine little gigabytes,
holding just the date,
someone jammed a write protect,
then there were eight.

Eight little gigabytes,
should have been eleven,
then they cut the budget,

now there are seven.

Seven little gigabytes,
involved in mathematics
stored an even larger prime,
now there are six.

Six little gigabytes,
working like a hive,
one died of overwork,
now there are five.

Five little gigabytes,
trying to add more
plugged in the wrong lead,
now there are four.

Four little gigabytes,
failing frequently,
one used for spare parts,
now there are three.

Three little gigabytes,
have too much to do
service man on holiday,
now there are two.

Two little gigabytes,
badly overrun,
took the work elsewhere,
now just need one.

One little gigabyte,
system's far too small
shut the whole thing down,
now there's none at all.

~*~My Resignation as an Adult~*~

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 6 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant and then be able to afford a movie.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks and bask in the sun.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree with a drippy ice cream cone and run a lemonade stand with
my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.


I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So...here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

TAG, YOU'RE IT!!

Telemarketer Revenge..



Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?
Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being
called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only Rs.3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs47,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking Rs.51,50,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 50,00,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra lakh and 50 thousand. It
really
is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....


He smiles and asks:



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"


Stupid questions - damn funny..

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia...why don't you try
again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the
"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just
the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa
marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and
now it's in flames!!!

11. You are fishing and a guy asks....................
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.

My Fault

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 nd 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded,

"You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying,
and that the dog had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high,
white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill,
it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
that looked like mother of pearl,
and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate,
and as he got closer,
he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?"
the man asked.
"Of course, sir.
Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend,"
gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment
and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going.
After another long walk,
and at the top of another long hill,
he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate
that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader.
"Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there"
The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen
from outside the gate.
"Come on in."
"How about my friend here?"
the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate,
and sure enough,
there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself,
then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full,
he and the dog walked back toward the man
who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.
"The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad
for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so,
but we're just happy that they screen out the folks
who'll leave their best friends behind."

Just Laugh at Santa

1. Santa got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

2. Santa joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Santa : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

3. On a romantic day santa's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Santa : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

4. Doctor to patient : Y o u will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

5. 2 santa were fixing a bomb in a car.
Santa : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
banta: Dont worry, I have a one more.

6. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Santa : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
santa : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

7. Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks santa why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
santa : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

8. Santa : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Santa : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

9. Boss : Where were you born ?
santa : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
santa : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.


10. American told santa : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Santa : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.

11. How will you destroy a submarine full of santas?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it

Some Interesting Facts

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capo ne's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps; they don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of die! sel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.



Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
It's your stupidity.

.........................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.........................................................................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.........................................................................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.........................................................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.........................................................................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.........................................................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.........................................................................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.........................................................................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.........................................................................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.........................................................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.........................................................................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.........................................................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

.........................................................................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.........................................................................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.........................................................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.........................................................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.........................................................................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

The Little Old Lady And The Biker

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem -- how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "! Holy smo kes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against a wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

British English VS Asian English

Who says our English is teruk.? Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Asian : S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Asian : No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Asian : (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Asian : Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Asian : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Asian : Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Asian : You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Asian : Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Asian : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Asian : Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Asian : Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Asian : like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Asian : Celaka u

Appraisal Vs Resignation

Marvellous Explanation!

A newly-joined chemist asks his boss


" What is the meaning of appraisal ? "


Boss :
" Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "

Chemist :
" Yes, I do. "

Boss :
" So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "

Appraisal Resignation


In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.



In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.


During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 5% pay hike.



In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !


During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.



During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.




There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.



There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.

Chemist : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do.
When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign.

A Love Story






General info about Human Body

Our heart beats around 100,000 times every day.
Our blood is on a 60,000-mile journey.

Our eyes can distinguish up to one million color surfaces and take in more information than the largest telescope known to man.

Our lungs inhale over two million liters of air every day, without even thinking. They are large enough to cover a tennis court.

Our hearing is so sensitive it can distinguish between hundreds of thousands of different sounds.

Our sense of touch is more refined than any device ever created.

Our brain is more complex than the most powerful computer and has over 100 billion nerve cells.

We give birth to 100 billion red cells every day.

When we touch something, we send a message to our brain at 124 mph.

We have over 600 muscles.

We exercise at least 30 muscles when we smile.

We are about 70 percent water.

We make one liter of saliva a day.

Our nose is our personal air-conditioning system: it warms cold air, cools hot air and filters impurities.

In one square inch of our hand we have nine feet of blood vessels, 600 pain sensors, 9000 nerve endings, 36 heat sensors and 75 pressure sensors.

Who made all these and bestowed us FREE as a gift, can't we say Him 'Thanks' at least once in a day?


What is a Seeder, Leacher, and a torrent file?

What is a seeder?
A seed(er) is a client on the BT network that has a complete copy of a particular archive. For any archive to work, there must be at least one seed to download from originally. Sometimes under certain circumstances, there may be no one seeder but enough people with all the parts to make up the whole archive, this is called a distributed copy. It is HIGHLY recommended that once you have gotten an archive you leave the BT client running for at least the amount of time that it took you to download the archive to help ensure that others will also be able to get it. Share and Share alike!

What is a leecher?
A leech(er) is a client on the BT network that does not have a complete copy of a particular archive yet. When any new client begins downloading an archive, they are a leecher until they have finished downloading the entire archive and then become a seeder. The name 'leecher' here is an unfortunate use that has become too commonly used even though it is really not applicable to what the meaning is. A leecher normally means someone who downloads without uploading (takes but does not give.) But here, a leecher is part of the network and is uploading as well, many times more KB than they download. But hey, it's worth the new meaning once you appreciate the vast resources that BT brings to you.

What is a .torrent file?
To download something with BitTorrent, you must have a .torrent file. This file contains in it a location that tells the BitTorrent client where to go to find the tracker that manages the uploading and downloading of the archive. An archive is a complete set for downloading which may include one file or many files. The one .torrent file contains the archive information also. To download on this network it is simply a matter of clicking on the .torrent file in your web browser, then the BitTorrent client kicks in and asks where you'd like to save the archive. That's it, from there you just sit back and watch the client work it's magic.

History Lesson: Lincoln vs Kennedy

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading

Words To Live By

Words To Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars
that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.



If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.


It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.


The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have, the longer you live.


Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss,
why aren't more people happy?


You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.


Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.


We could learn a lot from crayons:
some
are sharp, some are pretty,
some
are dull, some have weird names,
and
all are different colors;
but
they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one
who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


Happiness comes through doors
you didn't even know you left open.


Have an awesome day, and know
that someone has thought about you today....

Inspirational and Motivational Story "WORDS AND ACTIONS SHOULD BE THE SAME "

There once was a boy who loved eating sweets. He always asked for sweets from his father. His father was a poor man. He could not always afford sweets for his son. But the little boy did not understand this, and demanded sweets all the time.



The boy's father thought hard about how to stop the child asking for so many sweets. There was a very holy man living nearby at that time. The boy's father had an idea. He decided to take the boy to the great man who might be able to persuade the child to stop asking for sweets all the time.



The boy and his father went along to the great man. The father said to him, "O great saint, could you ask my son to stop asking for sweets which I cannot afford?" The great man was in difficulty, because he liked sweets himself. How could he ask the boy to give up asking for sweets? The holy man told the father to bring his son back after one month.



During that month, the holy man gave up eating sweets, and when the boy and his father returned after a month, the holy man said to the boy "My dear child, will you stop asking for sweets which your father cannot afford to give you?"



From then on, the boy stopped asking for sweets.

The boy's father asked the saint, "Why did you not ask my son to give up asking for sweets when we came to you a month ago?" The saint replied, "How could I ask a boy to give up sweets when I loved sweets myself. In the last month I gave up eating sweets."



A person's example is much more powerful than just his words. When we ask someone to do something, we must do it ourselves also. We should not ask others to do what we do not do ourselves.



MORAL: Always make sure that your actions and your words are same
*********************************************


Get it on girl!!

Good Morning Girlfriends! I hope everyone has a Fun day!!!!! Yes, FUN!!! Let no stress, worries, or hardship come your way. Walk around with a goofy smile, skip instead of walking, and laugh out loud all day. Go Girlfriends .... J



God did not intend for us to be all rich, beautiful, or great alone; but he does intend for us all to be friends
.

HAPPY GIRLFRIEND'S DAY!
If you get this more than once - you are blessed with friends.


Happy Girlfriend's Day!

Good times are even better when they're shared.



A good long talk can cure almost anything.
Everyone needs someone with whom to share her secrets.



Listening is just as important as talking.



An understanding friend is better than a therapist;
And cheaper too!



Laughter makes the world a happier place.


Friends are like wine; they get better with age
..



Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on.


Great minds think alike, especially when they are female!




When it comes to "bonding," females do it better.




YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR SLUMBER PARTIES!!!!


It's important to make time to do "girl things."



Calories don't count when you are
having lunch with your girlfriends.



GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS,
BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!!!!


PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON TO
ALL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS
including the one that sent it to you....

30 lines to make you smile

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences…..She thought she was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot –Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Very Funny Ads

Take a look, it's a collection of very funny ads

Hilarious

New drugs for women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you clearly of how awful they were as teenagers, and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two large spoons swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence as well as prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Significantly increases duration and credit limit of spending spree.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMET
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, delivers exactly the same irritation level as nagging him, but without opening your mouth.

MENICILLIN
Specially formulated for lonely older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. ” A potent anti-boy-otic.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of drivers by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Google Secrets Pages and Links

These r the forgotten and unused google pages which you probably never knew existed!!!

Google’s 56 forgotten (secret) pages

Again, some of these pages are indeed still public, but either have not been seen by many people, have been missed or are just very hard to find. The rest are just NOT public anymore and can be found either by searching the search engines for keywords, or by consulting the sitemap.xml and the robots.txt files:
  1. Holiday Certificate: Enjoy the gift of Google (local mirror).
  2. Enable Cookies help page.
  3. Google and Dilbert Doodle created by cartoonist Scott Adams for Google’s Holiday Logos.
  4. About Dennis Hwang (Hwang Jung-moak) - the designer of almost all of Google’s doodles. He’s a 28 years old Korean artist.
  5. Google Grants returns the 404. I guess Google’s tired to give money for free, or someone made a bubu. Also look at these Google Grants PDF documents from 2004 : Account Basics (local mirror), Keywords (local mirror), Ads (local mirror), Extra Help (local mirror).
  6. Why we sell advertising, not search results.
  7. Google Fan Logos - great collection of Google logos, made by fans all around the world. I don’t think this page is public.
  8. Google’s code of conduct - Our informal corporate motto is “Don’t be evil”.
  9. Google’s financial data where we learn that they actually made a dedicated row for “Settlement of dispute with Yahoo” for the 2004 Google - Yahoo dispute. Funny thing is that the WSJ reports a figure of $328 million and Google reports a figure of $201 million (which represented about 6% of all of Google’s 2004 income).
  10. Google Press Blog -YES, very few knew about it, I know. It even has a feed, so you can be up to date. None of the regular Google Blogs link to it anyway.
  11. Google Milestones - A history of Google’s achievements.
  12. Trademark Complaint Procedures - If you have concerns about the use of your trademark in their advertiser’s ads or in a parked domain name.
  13. Some older pages on a Google Tour and Building a better query
  14. The 2004 version of Google Labs: Why should you work at Google versus the 2006 (current) one.
  15. Explanation - Google’s explanation of their very disturbing search results when searching for “Jew” (2004).
  16. Google Store, Americas and Worldwide - Buy stuff branded with Google, like a Google beach towel or a White Google Polo Shirt for your wife. And yes, the Google stores are developed using Microsoft Technology (ASP).
  17. Google Gulp - They are pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.
  18. 2000 Google Easter Animation - Catch the eggs in order to spell “Google” (if you complete the game twice, there’s a suprise). Very funny and UGLY :)
  19. Some 100 Euro Adwords coupon for Google.de - Wrote in german.
  20. 10 Tips for Enterprise Search - A best practices tip sheet (local mirror).
  21. 10 things about Google’s Philosophy.
  22. Google’s fight spyware information page - In the footer, they recommend some anti-spyware programs.
  23. Google Alert #1: June 26, 2000, Google Launches World’s Largest Search Engine (is that right ? ;) )
  24. 20 Year Usenet Timeline - “Google has fully integrated the past 20 years of Usenet archives into Google Groups, which now offers access to more than 800 million messages dating back to 1981. This is by far the most complete collection of Usenet articles ever assembled and a fascinating first-hand historical account.”
  25. How to create a successful Google Grants campaign.
  26. Bouncing Heart Applet - See the 2000 and 2001 credits.
  27. Google Cheatsheet. FYI, did you knew that “~auto loan” will allow auto to match car, truck, etc ?. Here’s an extended Cheat Sheet from GoogleGuide and another PDF Cheat Sheet for print.
  28. Google Jobs Internship Opportunities - They’re looking for students pursuing degrees in computer science (or closely related areas), who love to problem-solve, code, and design.
  29. Google Jobs: Top 10 Reasons to Work at Google. I especially like #7 :

7. Good company everywhere you look. Googlers range from former neurosurgeons, CEOs, and U.S. puzzle champions to alligator wrestlers and former-Marines. No matter what their backgrounds Googlers make for interesting cube mates.

I mean, who the heck at Google is an alligator wrestler ?

  1. Video: An Inside Look at Google.
  2. Some funked up Google Logo, live on Google’s servers, from (insert unknown year and ocasion here)

  1. 2001 Google Search Guide PDFs - Front (local mirror) and back (local mirror). From the content:

DIRECTORIES VS. SEARCH ENGINES
If you have a general idea of the subject in which you’re interested, but are not sure exactly what you’re looking for, a directory is a great place to start. Directories like Yahoo! use human editors to organize information in broad categories, such as finance, sports, or travel. Think of them as giant card catalogs.

  1. 10 Google fun facts:

Googlers are multifaceted. One operations manager, who keeps the Google network in good health is a former neurosurgeon. One software engineer is a former rocket scientist. And the company’s chef formerly prepared meals for members of The Grateful Dead and funkmeister George Clinton.

  1. Google Timelines from 2001 (mentioned in the previous article too) and from 2002.
  2. Google Zeitgeist Special Edition - Election 2004 - A bit of insight into people’s 2004 campaign interests.
  3. Hi resolution TIF images (zip archived) with Google Executives like Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Larry AND Sergey, Eric Schmidt, Cindy Mccaffrey, Craig Silverstein, David Drummund, George Reyes, Jonathan Rosenberg, Omid Kordestani and others. Here is the full list of zip archives:

http://www.google.com/press/guides/picasa2_overview_highres.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/cindy_mccaffrey.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/craig_silverstein.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/david_drummund.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/mini.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/es_results.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/george_reyes.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/francais.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_eps.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_hi_res.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_homepage.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_omid.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_search_appliance2.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_search_results.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/google_tabs_homepage.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/jonathan_rosenberg.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/larry_page.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/page_brin.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/omid_kordestani.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/sergey_brin.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/toolbar_hires.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/toolbar_screenshot.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/toolbar_screenshot_hires.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/shona_brown.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/eric_schmidt.zip
http://www.google.com/press/images/alan_eustace.zip

  1. Zeitgeist Archive from 2001 to the present day, including searches done for CNN or World Trade Center, Pentagon, Nostradamus or Bin La Den on Sep. 11. Other Search Statistics Related to September 11, 2001.
  2. Corporate Information: Google Offices around the world featuring phones and addresses for each office, including driving directions - Page not public anymore.
  3. Google Content-Targeted Advertising - The ancestor of Adsense. From the page:

How do you get started?

It’s easy. If you’re a web publisher who sells advertising inventory, and your site receives more than 20 million page views a month, you may be a great fit for Google’s content-targeted ads.

20 Million ? Really ? :)

  1. Premium Service for AdSense PDF (local mirror) - A 2003 PDF presentation of the Google Adsense Premium service. See the HTML version.
  2. A 2004 Adsense Tax PDF (local mirror). Look, we have a fax and a telephone number in the header :)
  3. Google AdSense Charity Ad Formats proposals and feedback requests. Amongst the questions asked by Google in this particular feedback page:

1. What is your overall feedback about the proposed changes?
2. The Public Service Announcements are no longer Google branded. What is your feedback about this specific change?

  1. The results was this page. They were named PSA too (from charity ads).
  2. Google AdSense Charity ad formats example (when there were only 6 formats available). Funny thing (if you look in the source code) about these “charity” ads, is the PUB ID and the fact that all those ID’s are live :

here

So SlashDot used Adsense in the past ? Or was it a charity website ? :)

  1. A certain Frankfurt Print Tour by Thomson Course Technology.
  2. A cool 2004 Adsense Tour.
  3. Google Gmail tour from 2005 - It’s movie based. Great tour BTW.
  4. 2005 Gmail Program Policies Redline version (???) - updated June 28, 2004.
  5. A page with bloggers that wrote (reviews) about Gmail.
  6. Gmail’s Third Party Software Error page.
  7. Bulk e-mail sending tips and information from Gmail.
  8. 3 Gmail XMLs : spam-0, trash-0 and trash-1. Don’t ask me what they are.
  9. A Google Healthcare Powerpoint presentation (zip) by Kevin Gough (Product Marketing Manager - Google Enterprise).
  10. Google Mini Sweepstakes Rules.
  11. A 2005 Google Search appliance flash presentation.
  12. Google Mini Administration Interface presentation. I always wondered how the Admin interface for a Mini looks like :)
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