The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security.
She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'
He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'
So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.'
' Well, how did you do that?' she asks.
He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'
The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'
Showing posts with label Adult Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adult Humor. Show all posts
The Doctor's Advise
A young man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member.
The doctor advise him to go and stay on a farm. Dip his member in a milk several times a day and get sucked by goats.
Some month later when they meet in the street, the doctor ask the fellow -
" How is your marriages...???
"Eh, doctor I didn't get married, I bought the goat instead..."
The doctor advise him to go and stay on a farm. Dip his member in a milk several times a day and get sucked by goats.
Some month later when they meet in the street, the doctor ask the fellow -
" How is your marriages...???
"Eh, doctor I didn't get married, I bought the goat instead..."
technorati tags: adult, adult+humor, humor, jokes, funny
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
technorati tags: adult, humor, adult+humor, funny, jokes
Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag ......
"Darn!" says the little old lady ..."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag ......
"Darn!" says the little old lady ..."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
technorati tags: adult+humor, humor, joke, jokes, funny,
Little Girl
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
technorati tags: joke, adult, adult+humor, funny
10 COMMANDMENTS FOR THE ADULTS
I . Face and accept the reality of getting old, its consequences and the limitations which growing old brings. Act and behave your age.
Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
II . Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
III . Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you Are gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IV . Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
V . Enjoy your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them.
Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children.
After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished.
Let your children raise their own off-springs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VI . Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VII . Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VIII . Just enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself,
not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IX . Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X . Befriend death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, ......
prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.
Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
II . Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
III . Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you Are gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IV . Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
V . Enjoy your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them.
Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children.
After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished.
Let your children raise their own off-springs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VI . Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VII . Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VIII . Just enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself,
not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IX . Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X . Befriend death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, ......
prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.
How I Was Born? IT Version
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
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You got Male!
technorati tags: funny, joke, adult humor
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
technorati tags: adult+humor, adult+joke, funny, humor, joke
A Father of Many
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar Backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. ” I am a Father.”
The little boy replied. “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered. “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said. “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a. while, then leaned over and said.
“Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
The little boy asked why he wore his collar Backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. ” I am a Father.”
The little boy replied. “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered. “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said. “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a. while, then leaned over and said.
“Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
technorati tags: joke, adult, adult+joke, adult+humor
The Birds And Bees
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6, I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no tooth fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
technorati tags: adult, funny, adult+humor, adult+joke
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