You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

Marriage Anecdote

01 Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

02 The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.

03 Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now, I catch her in my pockets.

04 Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

05 For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus. You have the engagement-ring, the wedding-ring, and the suffe-ring.

06 Married life is very frustrating!! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

07 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

08 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

09 A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says,
"Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

10 A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

11 Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.

12 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

13 A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub.

14 Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

15 NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner? SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices? NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

School Jokes

Teacher : Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Student : Today and Tommorow

Who's there?
Dewey who?
Dewey have to go to school today?

Today my teacher yelled at me for something that I didn't do
What was that?
My homework

Teacher: James where is your homework?
James : I ate it
Teacher: WHY?
James : Because you said it was a piece of cake!

Little Johnny Stands Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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