Cultural differences explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Little Pedro

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Ice Berg

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Unzipped Friend

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Visit to Grandma's House

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son,is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.


How Do Crazy people Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Don't Blind people like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

For Women Only

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.

This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

Tips On How To Reduce Stress At Work

1. Make it a point to verbalize all your pent up feelings to colleagues. There is no substitute for communication when it comes to relieving stress. Feeling of isolation is common in cases of prolonged stress and talking about your feelings to a colleague can help you vie things in another perspective – thus act as a cushion in times of stress.

2. Take one day at a time. Do some effective time management. Do not spend your tea and coffee breaks to catch up with pending work. Instead, take time off to do something completely different which is in no way related to work. Taking a break from your normal schedule does wonders in refreshing your mind and outlook towards your job.

3. Try to realize your own energy schedules. We don't feel the same way during the entire day. So schedule your work accordingly. Find out which are your high energy hours – and keep the more stressful work during that time. This will ease out stress and stop unnecessary loss of vital energy.

4. Never try to work all the stressful jobs at the same time. It will require some amount of advance planning no doubt but if you can plan out your work and take one stressful work at a time – you will soon find out that you can really put in your best in that particular work. It will also leave you less drained.

5. Keep some outdoor activity in your daily work schedule. A refreshed body stores a refreshed mind. Out brain needs vital oxygen to keep our body and mind in optimal performing condition. Physical exercise makes us look better and feel better. It increases self-esteem. When you are hibernating, the emotional distresses increase and you feel more low.

6. When you have a big and intensive job in hand – do not get overwhelmed by its magnitude. Instead, break it up in small components. It will then seem easier to handle and manage. At the end you will not even realize that you have actually completed the big job so successfully.

7. Remember you can not handle everything. Learn to delegate, if you have the opportunity to do so. If you know your own limitations, it makes the task easier. This way you can involve many others in the problem solving and decision making process.

8. You do not have to say yes to everyone and every job that comes your way. Learn to decline. If you go on saying yes to every project, you will soon be full of anger and resentment. Saying no at the right time gives us a sense of control and happiness. That does not mean that you decline from getting involved or committed. Life is all about choices. So take as much as you can give but never over commit and under deliver.

Kenyan iPod - really good and affordable

Are You Thinking Too Much?

If you can answer this correctly without looking at the answer, then you are really good.


1 = 5

2 = 25

3 = 125

4 = 625

5 =?


Scroll down for Answer









Scroll down for Answer









Scroll down for Answer










The answer is...


Remember the first line?


Are you thinking too much?

O... Mother

When Mother prayed, she found sweet rest,
When Mother prayed, her soul was blest;
Her heart and mind on Christ were stayed,
And God was there when Mother prayed!

Our thanks, O God, for mothers
Who show, by word and deed,
Commitment to Thy will and plan
And Thy commandments heed.

A thousand men may build a city,
but it takes a mother to make a home.

Never Lick An Envelope!

A woman was working in a post office in California.
One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a
That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue.
A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.
She went to the doctor and they found nothing wrong.
Her tongue was not sore or anything.
A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began
to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat.
She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done.
The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump.
He prepared her for minor surgery.
When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!
There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope.
The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva.
It was warm and moist...
This is a true story reported on CNN

Andy Hume wrote:
Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe
the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
licked an envelope for years!"

I used to work for a print shop(32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to
lick the envelopes.
I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of
cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs
They eat the glue on the envelopes.

So do you wanna lick another envelope or stamp again?

Bad or Terrible

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, " Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease! (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Lawyer's Personal Integrity

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

2GB Handphone by Sony Ericsson

The phone will be out in mid Feb 2007, it comes with 2 GB Hard disk 3.2 Mega pixels and it also has radio in it.

Employee's Benefit

For Our Mom

Inter-office e-mail

Typical Work Week

The Ten Christmas Commandments 2006

  1. Thou Shalt Not Shop Till You Drop.
  2. Thou Shalt Not Go so Deep In Debt that You’re Paying the Banks next Summer. That is Hell and Damnation!
  3. Thou Shalt Stop Pretending that this is NORMAL. The Buy-As-Much-As-You-Can Christmas was Invented by Retailers.
  4. Stop Shopping and Start Giving. We All Know What a Good Gift FeelsLike. It’s Not About What You Buy.
  5. Save Your Soul from the Axis Of Consumer Evil:
    1) Big Boxes and Chain Stores
    2) Child Slave Labor and

    3) Sexual Abuse at the Foot of 3-Story High Supermodels…
  6. Thou Shalt Have No False Idols: Playstation 3 is Not As Good as Real Life. That’s Why We’ll Forget About it by New Years.
  7. Thou Shalt Not Trample Thy Neighbor For Sale Items.
  8. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Motorized Ashtrays or ShoppingChannel Zircon Chandeliers.
  9. Remember: You Don’t have to Buy a Gift to Give a Gift.
  10. Let’s Save Christmas from the Shopocalypse! Are We Shopping Ourselves to Death? Christmas makes Intense Plastic Trash, Burns lots of Fossil Fuel, it’s the Lake of Hellfire!

The Devil's Staff

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,

today you're staff..."

The Man and The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something and probably spend it all. But you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything

Things we learn from the movies

Things we learn from the movies,

  1. During all police investigations it is necessary to visit a stripclub at least once
  2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to waist level on man, but all the way to armpit level on the woman lying beside him.
  3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
  5. You can travel to any part of a building through its ventilation system, and no one will ever find you there.
  6. You will always have ammunition to reload a gun - even if you haven't carried any.
  7. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  8. To pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  11. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.All phone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Major Technological Breakthrough

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here’s how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable) , each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon./span>

eBay feedback

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should’ve poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don’t really remember what I ordered. But I’ve been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it’s great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn’t work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the “Rolex”. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won’t hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it’s a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I’ve ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio… was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I’d hoped.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic —Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and .

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder– You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Santa Claus's Visit Application

It’s nearing Christmas. Download this form fill and keep it ready for a santa visit Santa Claus's Visit Application

Find It!

Can you find a C? (Good exercise for the eyes!) Try solving the puzzles on the comments. It's getting harder >=D


Once you’ve found the C……….

Find the 6!


Once you’ve found the 6…

Find the N! (it’s hard!!)


More…sent in by jawz101…thanks

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Male Bashing Again

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.” And they say blondes are dumb.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger… Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER…. Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”

In Texas

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

** The Presbyterian Church**, **the Baptist Church**, **the Methodist Church,** the Catholic Church,** **and the Jewish Synagogue .**

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But — The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

The Cat and the Mother in Law

Got this from my mail. Hilarious! You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That
stupid b-itch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a-ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Holiday Eating Tips

A little something to keep in mind for Christmas.

You’ve probably all seen this before, but it’s time for a reminder …..

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6 Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Water vs Beer

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

We do not run that risk when
drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.



It is better to drink beer and talk**** than it is to drink water and be full of****.

the meaning of WIFE

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

WIFE says: No darling, it means -
With Idiot For Ever..

Now I m thinking which is correct

see what Kind of employee you are .. by zodiac signs

Aries Employee Profile

Aries employees make excellent troubleshooters.They'll usually want to be out in the field at a variety of different work sites fixing things. They certainly won't be happy for very long behind a desk in a 9 to 5 schedule. The bored Aries employee who has been forced into a square hole will typically be restless, angry, and careless with details. No amount of money would compensate for being stuck in a routine job. Money in fact isn't why they are working at all. They do want to be paid fairly and need a status position to satisfy their competitive tendencies but even more importantly, they'll want challenging new projects. They typically

like to have a sense of responsibility and need to feel needed. In return,they'll give their all and provide detailed, consistent work. They will literally work themselves to exhaustion to prove themselves. If you want to keep your Aries co-worker productive and happy, you'll want to give them the opportunity to work independently or let them help and lead less experienced workers.

Taurus Employee Profile
Taureans make some of the best employees. They are loyal, hardworking, and no-nonsense. They work methodically and follow projects through until they are complete. Some may appear to work a little too slowly-usually because they are so careful-but they will always finish what they start. They thrive on structure, schedules, and routine. You'll find them doing the same exact thing at the same time every day. Taureans, however, are not exactly the malleable workers that they often appear to be. If they have to work in a chaotic environment, they won't be happy and will be prone to child-like temper tantrums and stubbornness. They might react similarly if they have to work around ignorant people or at a job where there is no obvious potential for advancement. Taureans will be very unhappy if there isn't a ladder for them to climb. Even in the worst situations, they will find a way to advance slowly, winning over the most difficult people who may stand in their way of progress. Taurus employees will only take so much patiently and happily before they feel they are being taken advantage of. They will gladly accept orders and do whatever dirty work needs to get done, but they expect rewards. They ant material gain, salary increases, and the potential for more power. To make your Taurus employees happy, be sure to give them projects through which they will see tangible results-hopefully something that will allow them to express their unique creativity in addition to their practical side. They don't want to feel mired in details for long periods of time. Make sure to schedule regular performance and salary reviews. This show of respect should keep them loyal to the company.

Gemini Employee Profile
Gemini employees can have difficulty concentrating on one thing for long periods of time. They have quick-moving minds and love to talk and communicate
their ideas with others. They thrive on social interaction -- even if their jobs don't particularly support it. You'll be able to find them wandering from
desk to desk gossiping about all the sordid news in the office. They can be powerful persuaders in their speech and make ideal salespeople and mediators. They
love to negotiate and can work out the best Deal for everyone involved. When properly stimulated, they can manage to keep their wandering mind focused and
actually be quite productive. When they are bored, bogged down with mundane detail-work, or forced to work with people who they consider droll,they can become mean-spirited and gossipy.

Their moods can fluctuate vastly day to day, as well as their productivity. It is really against their nature to be forced into an average workday schedule and
environment. They are happier traveling. lf they are in an office they will need constant new stimulation. Most will be wanting advancement if they see this as a
way to escape the limitations of their jobs. This can motivate them to put extra effort into their job. If you work with a Gemini, try to avoid getting into any
debates with them - they will surely win and it could end in some hard feelings on your part. They will need an accepting environment-one that supports their need
for multi-tasking.

Cancer Employee Profile
The Cancer employee isn't at work to feed their ego --their job is just a job and a means to get paid. They
work steadily and are usually very reliable. You'll be able to depend on them to show up on time and do what
is necessary. They won't get involved in power struggles or get upset when someone advances before
them. They are able to accept the situation because they see it simply as a rung on the ladder up. Their
motivation is security. They'll want more money thelonger they've stayed at a job. They don't want to
have to worry about how they'll make ends meettomorrow so they'll need a stable position without
much risk. Cancerian workers can slip into some darkmoods on occasion. During these periods productivity
tends to drop-as well as everyone else's in theoffice. Their moods can be so strong everyone becomes
affected. To avoid the frequency of these occurrences,managers and co-workers should try to make the work
environment as homey as possible-keep it well heated,cozy, and friendly. Don't press them to reveal their
true inner thoughts-their tendency is to be secretive and protective, and they could see prying as an
attempt to disturb their security.

Leo Employee Profile
Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office. Even if they can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status -- and
if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining. They want advancement so much that
they'll take on more responsibility and carry a heavier load than anyone else does in the office. And they are self-promoters. It is likely that they are
telling everyone in the office what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice. They know they are superior and want everyone to know
it as well. This arrogance can sometimes cause problems when working with management. But typically, they are just hard workers out to demonstrate just how good
they really are. They thrive in sales positions - they= can promote a product or company just as well as they
promote themselves. Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either. In a crisis situation, Leos really
demonstrate their true courage. Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility and rewards.
They are happy to train and mentor new co-workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of
authority. If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to give them plenty of praise,
responsibility, and independence. They will certainly want to help lighten your load of management
responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know they could be taking over your job.

Virgo Employee Profile
In the right situations Virgos love to work. They make
emloyees, happily working late into the night to make
sure everything is perfect and in order. If you are
looking for an employee who doesn't mind starting from
rock bottom in the most entry-level position at the
company, hire a Virgo. They'll have no complaints
about the position being beneath them. They are
CONTENT with basic, honest hard work. Their
contentment isn't always apparent, however. They love
to complain and worry. They are quick to criticize the
way things are done around the office and are the
first ones to grumble disapprovingly at what they
consider to be extravagance or laziness. They are
blunt and honest and don't mince words over what they
feel just isn't right.
Usually, this will be brought on by someone doing a
half-baked job or not being considerate of other
co-workers. You'll want to constantly reassure them,
but this will do little to quell their anxieties. They
actually enjoy worrying, and there is little you can
do about it. Just give them a detail - oriented
project and let them work alone on it. You won't have
to supervise a Virgo worker. They'll check all the
facts before getting started and catch their own
errors when they are done. To keep a Virgo employee
happy, you should also make sure their environment is
orderly and calm. You should also provide small
gestures of appreciation. They don't need
extravagance,just let them know you appreciate them in
small ways that won't embarrass them. They will
probably just shrug their shoulders and say, "It's no
big deal." But deep down inside they need these little

Libra Employee Profile
Libra employees are detailed, dedicated workers with
sensitive natures. Managers and co-workers sometimes
find them difficult to get a handle on. They pick up
the energy of the office and are unable to prevent it
from affecting them. Loud noise, flashy colors, and
discordant vibrations will put them off so much that
they will have difficulty fulfilling their obligations
at work.
One day they may seem like the most bright,
hardworking, ambitious employee around. The next day
they might be down, irritated, and unable to produce.
Co-workers shouldn't fret when Libra employees are in
a dark mood. It really won't last, as a happy state of
mind can come over them just as quickly. When Libra
employees are in a balanced frame of mind, they can be
a powerful presence at work-they have a way of gracing
everything they touch. Underneath that mess of moods,
they really are basically happy and stable people.
They are capable

Ant Jokes

Where do ants go for their holidays?

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?

An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?

What medicine would you give an ill ant?

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

Modern and Digital Bajaj

Three Friends

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

140 Million Iraqis

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".

And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.

The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"


One night as a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little romantic.

With an air of confidence, he leaned close to her and placing his hand against the wall, behind her head. He smiled and said to her

"Honey, would you kiss me good night?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh Pease, please, I love you so much!!!".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.

Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....


The Blonde Test Taker

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

Grandpa and Grandma

This is really very very read this ...

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go...": ) ......

I'm Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms.Neelam ( Age 28 ) washaving trouble with one of her students the
teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the thirdgrade and I'm smarter than she is! I think should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took boy to the principal's office. While boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "Ithink boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"
The principal and boy, both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy... after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin
whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you
Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always
has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope
doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: Surname

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping,
& is responsible for making love?
Boy.: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher: "Send this boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Thailand Restaurant, DARABAR



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