Funny and Interesting Emails: August 2007

A Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar Backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. ” I am a Father.”
The little boy replied. “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered. “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said. “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a. while, then leaned over and said.
“Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

technorati tags: joke, adult, adult+joke, adult+humor

The Birds And Bees

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

“Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6, I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no tooth fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

technorati tags: adult, funny, adult+humor, adult+joke

Airlines Menu of Lunch

Kuwait Airways

Saudi Arabian Airlines

Iran Air

Air India

China Air

Air Canada

Jamaican Airways

Japan Air

AirAsia

See more funny airlines pictures

technorati tags: funny, funny+pictures, humor, airlines

How to Cook in a Microwave

Cooking in microwave is fun. Your meal is all ready in few minutes. However, some find the whole machine an extra care idiot box while cooking their favorite dish for an important occasion. Here are some tips and thumb rules to help you convert your favorite recipes into microwave.

Before we begin, let us understand how the microwave works. A microwave oven is a device in which food is cooked by the heat produced out of the absorption of microwave energy from water molecules in the food. Microwave ovens operate by agitating the water molecules in the food, causing them to vibrate, which produces heat.

Microwave cooking rules
Microwave cooking evaporates less moisture from the food. So reduce the liquid specified in your conventional recipe by ¼th cup of water from each glass to adapt to microwave. For instance if you are supposed to use 4 cups of water, you will need only 3 in the microwave.

Arrange food in dish so that the thicker part is on the outside and the thinner part inside for more even cooking.

Microwave cooking increases the flavor of herbs and spices. Therefore, make sure to reduce half the amount of spices specified.

Foods containing liquid, sugar and fat cook faster in the device. So reduce the cooking time by ¼ of conventional cooking and then gradually increase until you obtain the desired result.

It also enhances the salt flavoring in food. So reduce the amount of salt by one-third. You can add salt even after the food is cooked.

Keep your microwave clean from inside as if left unclean it may spoil your food, for reheating set the time for 1 min.

Never microwave the dishes covered in Aluminum foil or any metallic material. It may generate sparks.

The microwaves can only penetrate food 1½ inches so larger dishes need the vibrating molecules to move from the outside edges to the center of the food for it to be cooked.

To distribute heat evenly, use a dish with a cone in the center.

Arrange food in dish so that the thicker part is on the outside and the thinner part inside for more even cooking.

Add low fat cheese and other toppings near the end of cooking to keep the top from becoming tough or soggy.

While cooking in the microwave make sure that the dish is covered properly with a lid or plastic wrap.

Always make provisions for the steam to escape from the covered dish. So you can make holes on the plastic wrap or loosen the lid while cooking.

A thumb rule in microwave cooking that you must follow is the '6 minutes per pound rule'. According to this rule 6 minutes per pound will cook most foods including meat, poultry, fruits and vegetables.

Seafood will take lesser time to cook in the microwave.

Set the cooking time of the microwave according to the type of food you are cooking.

Comments : At Your Funeral

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

technorati tags: joke, funny, humor,

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

-------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

-------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."

-------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and
I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

-------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the
apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.

technorati tags: joke, funny, children, humor

Funny Cats Video

technorati tags: funny, funny+video, funny+animal, cat

Grew up Speaking English

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;

1) The bandage was wound around the wound .

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present .

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear .

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt .

technorati tags: joke, funny, jokes, english

10 Tips On How To Look Younger -

Appearance is very important, it is the first thing you notice when you meet someone. As you grow older the body starts to let you down, but there are a few things that you can do. Some ideas are very simple, while others need a bit of work but they can all help to turn back the clock and make you look younger.

1. Standing up straight is one of the best ways to look younger and more confident. Standing straight, with shoulders back and down with your tummy pulled in. At first you will need to practice and check yourself that you are standing up straight but soon it will become second nature. Doing exercises to strengthen your tummy muscles will also help.

2. Having enough sleep, at least 7 to 8 hours a night will make you feel healthier and younger. Your body needs sleep so that it can repair your body cells and refresh you mind.

3. Smiling makes you look radiant and younger. Smiling also distracts from areas that show your age. A smile just changes your whole face, try standing in front of a mirror and see what smile can do for your face.

4. Just because you are older does not necessarily mean that you have to have a short haircut. It all depends on the shape of your face, a short hairstyle can be cut to flatter and frame your face. This can be great to draw attention away from signs of ageing. Though longer hairstyles can be just as flattering as long as you have a good haircut that is shaped and maybe layered. A good hairdresser should be able to advise on the best way to cut your hair, as it does not just depend on the shape of your face but also on the texture and volume of your hair.

5. Colouring your hair is also a great way to hide the tale tell grey hairs. It is best to choose a colour that is close to your original colour so that it naturally compliments your facial tones. Otherwise you can have high lights or low lights put into your hair, and these do not require re-doing as frequently as an all over colour.

6. Choose the right clothes to compliment your body and hide the areas that you do not like. For example if you have flabby arms you can wear three quarter length sleeves to hide them. Soft colours will help you look younger because your skin tones become greyer as you get older.

7. Keep your teeth clean, with brushing and flossing, and with regular visits to the dentist to have your teeth checked. Getting teeth cleaned to prevent plague build up can also save you losing teeth unnecessarily. If your teeth are discoloured, the dentist might suggest whitening them, so that you will be happy to smile and show off your teeth.

8. Losing weight can also help you look younger. Make sure that as you lose weight that you tone your body with aerobic and resistance exercises.

9. Make-up can also help as long as you do not cake it on. Use a light foundation that does not sink into the wrinkles and emphasis them is better than a heavier one that does. Be careful about which eyeshadows to use, cream ones will sink into your wrinkles.

10. Look after your skin. Do not clean your face with soap and water but with a proper cleanser so that it dissolves all the make-up on the face and cleanses it properly. Always make sure that you remove your make-up every night as one night leaving it on can age your skin eight days. After cleaning your skin make sure that you moisture it so that it keeps your skin hydrated and younger looking.

technorati tags: young, younger, girls, woman, health, beauty

Friendship Day - History

There is not much literature on Friendship Day history as we celebrate today. However, there are numerous folktales and several instance in mythological legends that shows that friends and friendship have been valued since the beginning of civilized world. As an intrinsically social creature, men love to make friends to further this process of socialization.

History of Friendship Day in US -

Considering the valuable role friends play in our life it was deemed to fit to have a day dedicated to friends and friendship. The United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely popular festival.

Following the popularity and success of Friendship Day in US, several other countries adopted the tradition of dedicating a day to friends. Today, Friendship Day is enthusiastically celebrated by several countries across the world including India. In 1997, the United Nations named Winnie - the Pooh as the world's Ambassador of Friendship.

Importance of Friendship in Bible -

The Bible, the primary text of the western civilization, reflects upon friendship as the bond that forms the foundation to human faith, trust and companionship. Following verses from the bible aptly portray the importance of friends:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7

“Greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13-15

Besides, there are several tales from the Old Testament and the New Testament about the value of friendship and how true friendship is a treasure to unearth. A noticeable point is that, both the versions make a difference between the two broad meanings of friendship- one is a mere acquaintance, the other is a more affectionate relation.

In the Old Testament, Abraham is called the “friend of God” because of the intimacy of his relations. God speaks to Moses face to face “as a man…unto his friend” (Ex 33:11). The romantic friendship of Ruth and Naomi, the devotion of the subordinate Hushai for David, or the mutual relation between David and Jonathan - the Old Testament is replete with these interesting tales of friends and friendship.

In the New Testament, the relationship between Jesus and his disciples clearly depicts how human friendship can constantly grow. From being teacher and disciple, to lord and servant their relationship finally grew to an unparalleled friendship.

Importance of Friendship in Mahabharata -
In the famous Hindu epic ‘Mahabharata’, Lord Krishna demonstrates the many colors of friendship - affection, romance, brotherhood, protection, guidance, intimacy and even teasing. Friendship is all about these and much more.

technorati tags: friend, friends, friendship, fellow, man

Weight Loss Tips and Advice -

1. Stretch your meals to, at least, 20 minutes or longer. Your stomach, mouth and brain are all connected and it takes 20 minutes of chewing before your stomach signals your brain that you are full. To feel full and successfully lose weight on any weight loss program, you need to eat slowly for 20 minutes or longer.

2. Drinking 8 glasses of water a day is important to your health, your normal diet and to help lose weight. Water is necessary for the metabolism of your stored fat. Weight loss cannot occur without an active metabolism which requires large quantities of water. Another way to use water to lose weight is to drink a large glass of ice water just before meals. The cold causes your stomach to shrink slightly which will make you feel full faster.

3. The more positive your self-esteem, the better you feel about yourself, the faster and easier it will be for you to lose weight. When you are self-confident, you are better able to take charge of your life. It also means that after you lose weight, it will stay gone permanently.

4. When you go fat free or low fat, you also cut out much of the taste of the foods you eat. Add the flavor back with herbs and spices. Strong flavors such as vinegar, garlic, chili powder, cayenne, curry powder, rosemary and tarragon can be used to doctor up any food you are eating. For your low fat and fat free diets, experiment with different herbs and spices until you find some you like. Staying on your fat free or low fat diet will be easier and your weight loss will be speeded up.

5. Increase your metabolism by as much as 40% by using hot and spicey foods such as hot peppers of all varieties and mustards. Research shows these foods all increase your metabolism. For double duty, give up fat filled mayonnaise for mustard and add hot peppers to your food for greater flavor and increased metabolism.

6. Negative emotions will also interfere with your weight loss program. It's difficult to stay motivated to lose weight when you feel bad. Overeating often accompanies negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, fear, guilt and anger. If this is true for you, begin a stress management program including some exercise and relaxation exercises.

7. To lose weight faster, reduce your intake of caffeine. Caffeine leads to an increase of insulin in your body which retards the burning of your stored fat.This is a simple chemical reaction in your body that you can change. Reduce your caffeine intake by 50% and see what happens. Here is a rough guide to use when looking at the amount of caffeine you currently take in: Brewed coffee (6 oz. cup) - 100mg; Instant coffee (6 oz.) - 70mg; Tea (6 oz.) - 50mg; Soft drinks (12oz.) - (Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew) - 50mg; Dark chocolate (1 oz.) - 20mg and Milk chocolate (1 oz.) - 6mg.

8. Incease your intake of fiber rich foods. They will help fill you up faster and will help all the food you eat pass through your digestive system more easily.

9. Exercise is probably the most important key to increasing your metabolism and burning off excess fat. Research shows that you burn more stored fat for energy when you do aerobic exercises on an empty stomach than on a full stomach. Research also shows that you burn more stored fat when you exercise late in the day rather than in the morning. Put together, the best time to exercise to lose weight by burning your stored fat is in the late afternoon/early evening before dinner. Second best is in the morning before breakfast. Our metabolism naturally starts to slow down about 8 hours after we wake up. Thirty minutes of aerobic exercises in the evening, before dinner, will not only burn off stored fat but it increases your metabolism for about two to three more hours just when it was starting to slow down. This produces a significant increase in fat burned off, even after the exercise is over.

10. To lose weight quickly, never skip a meal. Your first meal after waking starts your metabolism. Your metabolism then speeds up for about eight hours and then starts slowing down until you go to sleep when it goes to low until you wake and eat and start the cycle again. Skip breakfast and your metabolism doesn't get started until lunch time. You've just missed three or four hours of fat burning time. When you skip meals during the day, your metabolism also slows down. Weight loss through the burning of stored fat is all about eating enough of the right kinds of foods so you stay full and your metabolism stays as high as possible. Remember, if you feel hungry, your metabolism slows down. Stay full with healthy, nonfattening foods and your metabolism will continue to burn your stored fat as fast as your body will allow.

technorati tags: health, beauty, slim, weight+loss, pretty, weight

Beauty Tips

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands,
one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows,
And the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!

If you send this to other women, something good will happen - you will boost another woman's self esteem.

10 Resume Writing Tips

1. Keep It Focused and Businesslike-
A resume should be specific and all business. Don't try to be too smart or too cute. After all, you are asking an employer to invest significant time and money by choosing you over many other similarly qualified people. Employers mainly want to know whether you are appropriately qualified and experienced, and if you have the ability to "deliver the goods."

2. More Than Two Pages Is Too Much-
For students, recent graduates, or people with just a few years of experience, try to keep your resume to one page, two as an absolute maximum. Even a resume for someone with20 years or more of extensive working experience, should not exceed three pages. In some cases, one or two "optional" pages can be referred to as "available upon request." These would be such optional annexes as a list of references or an inventory of recent projects and/or publications.

3. Get The Words and Punctuation Right-
Make sure the grammar, spelling, and punctuation in your resume are perfect. Any obvious mistakes will hurt your credibility. Also, be sure to keep the language clear and simple. If you draft it yourself, have someone with excellent writing skills do an editorial review and a careful proofread of it. If a professional prepares it for you, such reviews are the responsibility of the resume preparation firm. Use an accepted English language "style guide" if you want to be sure of the finer points of word usage, punctuation, capitalization, abbreviations, etc.

4. Read Between The Lines-
Customize the resume to match the stated requirements of the job that you are applying for, without being misleading. Review and analyze the job advertisement carefully. Look for and itemize the key qualifications, skills, and abilities the employer is seeking. Then identify certain key words that are usually repeated in such ads. Make sure that the wording and sequence of points in your resume reflect and address these "corporate terminologies" and" code words" as much as possible. When possible, study the company's annual report and Web site, and weave the themes and terms found there into your resume and cover letter.

5. Make Sure It Looks Good-
Use a crisp, clean, simple presentation format for a professional looking resume. Just a bit of simple line work and/or shading, done with standard word processing software will do the trick. If you don't have the aptitude for this, there is most likely someone among your friends or in your office who can help you achieve a professional presentation. If not, seek professional advice. It won't cost much for a good simple layout, but it will make a world of difference to the product.

6. Show What You Can Do Today-
Focus, first and foremost, on your recent experience that is most relevant to the position at hand. Less relevant and/or dated experience should be either eliminated or summarized in brief point form near the end of your resume. When reviewing your resume information, a prospective employer wants to know what you are doing now, what you have done recently, and how that relates to the job requirements of the post they are trying to fill.

7. Be A Straight-Shooter-
Be completely honest. When people lie or "creatively exaggerate" on their resume, they are almost invariably exposed, sooner or later. Think about it - who really wants to get a job based on a lie(s) and then have to live in fear of eventually being found out? We often read in the newspaper about high-profile folks who get caught in are sume falsehood or exaggeration, and it isn't very pretty.

8. Follow The Instructions-
Submit your resume in exactly the form that the prospective employer requests. If they say e-mail or fax is okay, do it that way. However, if they ask for it by regular mail, send it the way they ask. They must have reasons for requesting it in such a form and they are geared up to process it that way. If your resume is to be sent by snail mail, use the complete address that they specify, or it could go to the wrong office, especially in a large organization.

9. Don't Get Lost In The Mail-
Be careful to respect certain conventions that the potential employer may require in your resume. For example, make sure that the cover letter mentions the exact name of the specific position you are applying for, and the competition number, if applicable. Sometimes an employer will request that the job title and/or number be printed on the outside of the envelope. You would not want to miss out on a job because you didn't follow minor administrative requirements.

10. Keep The Cover Short and Focused-
In the cover letter, don't repeat what is already detailed in the body of the attached resume. It is a "cover" letter. It should be short and to the point. Introduce yourself first, and then briefly summarize why you believe that you have the qualifications and experience to fulfill the duties of the position better than anyone else. Express enthusiasm about the job and the company. Close by stating how you are looking forward to hearing more from them soon, and that you will follow-up if necessary.

Pics Only Man Would Take 2

technorati tags: adult, funny, funny+pictures

Pics Only Man Would Take 1

technorati tags: funny, funny+pictures, joke, sexy, adult

Rules Men wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

4. If you ask a question, nd want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

7. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

8. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

9. You have enough clothes.

10. You have too many shoes.

11. Crying is blackmail.

12. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

13. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

14. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

15. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

16. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

24. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

25. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

26. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

HUSBAND PIE

Can be prepared 20 years ahead.

Ingredients:
Crust:
1 hard-skinned hubby
1 comfortable sofa

Filling:
1 TV remote control
6 pack of beer
1 packet chips (crisps)
1 family size pizza
1 large serve nacho
1 melted cheese sandwich
15 years patience
Lifetime of loving care
1 ounce of resignation

Method:

Cram one thick-skinned hubby into a well worn greased
And comfortable sofa and leave to set (probably will
Take length of one sport show), remove from family
Room and bring to kitchen to finish filling.

Mix TV remote control, chip packet, pizza, hotdog,
Nachos and cheese sandwich on a large tray. Add six
Pack of beer slowly (to avoid excess gas), bind with a
Lot of patience, loving care and resignation. Be
Careful to place hubby and filling carefully back in
Front of the TV so as not to disturb the view of the
Screen and leave to solidify indefinitely.

Head back to your computer and have a marvellous time
Chatting with your online friends UNDISTURBED!!! (Or,
Go SHOPPING!)

technorati tags: joke, jokes, humor, funny

A Mother's Attitude for Three Children She Gave Birth

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Another Interesting Facts

In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time
are teenagers.
Kotex was first manufacturer of bandages, during W.W.I.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

Bubble gum contains rubber.

You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

43. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

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