- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- Turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
- You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
- Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
- You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- All the names in your little black book end with MD (mentally deficient).
10 Signs You Really Are Old
Bus Incident
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The Blond Flight Attendant
An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Software Development Life Cycle, SDLC, The Hard Way
This is why making a software needs sixth sense ability :))
Double Talking Women
A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"
Flying Turtle
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Pregnant Wife
A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asks. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Written Job Application
Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test. Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.
"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."
"Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."
"Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Cousin Jack Falls Apart
One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away. "By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm."
"Where did they burry him?'"
"Duh - they didn't bury him, he was recycled!"
"Where did they burry him?'"
"Duh - they didn't bury him, he was recycled!"
Career Growth Meter Through Your Stomach
Interesting isn't it? The bigger the salary the bigger size of stomach you get :))
Essential Desert Objects
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty. Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Social Security Applicant
The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security.
She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'
He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'
So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.'
' Well, how did you do that?' she asks.
He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'
The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'
She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'
He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'
So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.'
' Well, how did you do that?' she asks.
He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'
The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up along Side
the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'.
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?).
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers.
If you receive this, you know you're intelligent
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up along Side
the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'.
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?).
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers.
If you receive this, you know you're intelligent
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